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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I decide to grab a coffee at this little café on Rua 1º de Maio. Best decision ever! The barista, this young guy, he’s got tattoos all over and a smile that could light up the whole street. I order a bica, and he’s like, “You want it strong or strong?” I laugh, “Make it strong enough to wake the dead!”

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